Sunday, February 06, 2005


Freedom Isn't Free

Ha! Consider this to be a substitute for my comments on the inaugural address that I never got around to making.

Inaugural address of Crispin Sartwell, successful Nihilist candidate for
President of the United States.

To the people of the world, I promise you this: universal freedom will be
the gift given to you by us, the most efficient killing machine the world has
ever known.

I pledge to the oppressed, yearning to breathe free, that we will visit upon your cities a rain of fire, a reign of freedom.

We will bring freedom everywhere as we have brought freedom to Iraq. We deposed a vile dictator, and now we administer the country from his palaces. To bring Iraqis freedom, we stacked them up in naked piles in Saddam¹s prisons and photographed them. As our body count approaches Saddam¹s, Iraqis may ask: what¹s the difference? One word: freedom.


We are going to encourage the blessings of democracy all
over the world, on the models of our allies Saudi Arabia, Russia, China,
Uzbekistan, Egypt, and Department of Justice.


Here at home, meanwhile, freedom means one thing: the maximal possible
expansion of government. Freedom isn't free, but it can be financed painlessly
through massive deficit spending.


Right here, right now, I announce that we will create as many gigantic new bureaucracies as possible, to bring the blessings of freedom to every corner of our great land. We will eliminate due process and search warrants. We will censor indecency from the airwaves once and for all. Then, and only then, can we call ourselves a free people.


We intend to apply this beautiful ideal consistently to every issue. To us, freedom means not being able to marry someone if we don¹t want you to. Freedom means not being able to end your own life, even if you are terminally ill and in frightful pain. Freedom means standardizing education in every respect under the administration of a federal bureaucracy. Freedom is the opposite of choice: it's a question of who is to be master ­ that's all.

Hat tip: Radley Balko

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