Thursday, December 23, 2004

 

Rewriting "A Christmas Carol"

OK, this is pretty funny, if you can ignore the first few paragraphs of dribble (I'm not sure where I sit along the libertarian spectrum, but I've never called Dickens a "crypto-commie", so I think I might be a bit left-of-center). A few examples:

Ayn Rand: The ruggedly handsome and weirdly articulate Ebeneezer Scrooge is
a successful executive held back by the corrupt morality of a society that hates
success and fails to understand the value of selfishness. So Scrooge explains
that value in a 272-page soliloquy. Deep down, Scrooge's enemies know that he is
right, but they resent him out of a sense of their own inferiority. Several hot
sex scenes and unlikely monologues later, Scrooge triumphs over all adversity --
except a really mean review by Whittaker Chambers. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim croaks.
Socialized medicine is to blame.

The Libertarian Party: It's pretty much the same as the Ayn Rand version, but about halfway through the story, we learn that Scrooge is an alcoholic wife-swapping embezzling weirdo who's wanted for back child support payments in several states. Even readers sympathetic to the Libertarian story throw up their hands in disgust and grudgingly seek out the Republican version.

M. Night Shyamalan: In a completely unexpected twist, it turns out that Scrooge is the dead one, and the "ghosts" are actually the people that he's haunting.

Bernard Kerik: Let's just say the story doesn't get too far beyond the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Stephen King: It's a dark, spooky Christmas Carol that preys on the
inchoate fears of baby Boomers, but no one reads past page 1597. The movie
adaptation stinks.


Read the rest - it's worth it.

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